I should be sponsored by Trojan
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
