I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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