Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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