i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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