yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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