im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
