Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
