He is such a slut. More and more my type.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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