I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
