I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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