Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
