My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
