I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
