FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
