Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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