she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
