seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
