Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
