i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just pee around me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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