words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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