I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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