I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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