I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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