so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
