dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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