i need an iv and a liver transplant
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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