Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
