you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
