gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
