Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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