You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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