the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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