Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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