I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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