You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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