cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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