My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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