Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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