I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
