I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
