Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
