Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
