my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
