you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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