So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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