that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
