you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
