Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
