if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am midnight drunk by noon
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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