She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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