you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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