another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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