The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize