My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
