good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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