honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
too bad you live with your parents still
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
