I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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