So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
